It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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