I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
