if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
