Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
