I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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