it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
