You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
