Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
