So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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