only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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