I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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