I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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