well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
