WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
