he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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