he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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