I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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