She is in my trunk
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
