Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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