I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
