i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Randomize
