im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
