i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
