God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
