I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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