just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
