I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
