Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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