then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
