Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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