I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
