i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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