And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
