I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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