My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
