So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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