I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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