I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
