The maid of honor just puked.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
