Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
