Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
