Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
