...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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