He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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