The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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