They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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