Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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