Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
