I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
