Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
