First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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