Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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