Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
