I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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