Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
